Numb
by ImMeganGrace
Summary: The one thing keeping her from making a stupid decision was the small part of her heart still beating, the love she had for her unborn, helpless baby daughter. My take on Amelia's baby drama.
1. Prologue

_Hey, I'm Megs. It's been a while since I've written anything, I'm a little rusty. My story is based on Amelia's experiences throughout season 5, primarily her pregnancy. All other characters will be involved at some point. I adore Caterina Scorsone! So I hope you enjoy & I hope I make sense xx_

**_Prologue._**

The repetitive sound of the alarm rang over and over until, the sound begun to fade into the background and eventually she could no longer hear it. As the light from the bed side clock illuminated the room, a slither of sunlight begun to seep through a hole in the drapes. She smiled as she felt the warm sun touch her skin. For just a moment, Amelia allowed herself to forget that she was the starring player in the hot mess that had become her life. For just a moment her heart was how it used to be. She rolled over savouring the moment for as long as she could, until the baby growing inside of her made her presence known, pulling Amelia back to a reality she could all but run from. As comforting as it was to feel her baby move inside of her, it also broke her heart a little more each time. _The moments always passed as quickly as they had came._

And like that she was back, trapped in reality. 'BANG!' Amelia stopped herself from almost smirking as she listened to Sam stomp around the kitchen. This had become their little routine ever since she had moved in. Their loud routine consisted of crashing and banging around the house or blaring loud music. This little act ensured no awkward encounters or conversations that would lead to a discussion that neither party were ready to have. As much as Sam cared for Amelia like a little sister, this situation was way out of his league. But for what is was worth he was there, even if it was silently.

At work things we're much the same. Amelia was in avoidance mode. A telling facial expression or an admittedly rude exchange kept _most_ people at the practice at bay and away from her. If she had room in her thoughts to care, she might have wondered why the same people she was so intent on pushing away seemed to always come back for more. It was as if these people were suckers for punishment and rightfully so, they were her family and they felt it was their job to be there, no matter how hard she pushed. They were intent on showing her that she wasn't alone.

Even the safety of her own office wasn't enough to shield her from the harsh reality of her future. Outside of the doors and walls she hid behind were her friends and her family, all people that were concerned about her. Whether she was convincing or not, she could pretend that she was _fine_ around these people, she could keep them at arm's length. But inside her office her lies were no use, she was all alone with feelings she couldn't mask. Her pain wasn't pretend, her anger wasn't an act and her heart was really breaking. With every breath she fought the need to give in and give up. She wanted so badly to be with Ryan. She longed to feel safe in his arms again, dead or alive it didn't matter. The one thing keeping her from making a stupid decision was the small part of her heart still beating, the love she had for her unborn, helpless baby daughter.


	2. Chapter one: Consumed by darkness

_Thanks so much for the reviews! I had some trouble getting this chapter the way I wanted it, but in the end I decided to post and move onto the next one :) The next few chapters will hopefully involve some family members and more of the PP doctors. Enjoy! x_

_**Consumed by darkness.**_

It was a pretty day. The skies we're clear, the sun was shining and the traffic was steady. The sunshine burst through the windows, lighting up the offices and warming the already friendly environment. The new coffee girl was almost as bright as the beaming sun; her personality needed no words as it was obvious she was super bubbly. Her pigtails and excessive use of the word '_like'_ suggested that she was not long out of high school. The young girl was more importantly smart. She had left free coffee and cookies for the staff, setting herself up nicely to be the new favourite coffee girl. The way to these Doctors hearts was indeed through coffee and cookies!

Unfortunately Amelia was the only exception to this bright and cheery day. Her drapes we're drawn, blocking the sparkly sunlight and setting the scene for the bad dream that had been playing out over the past few weeks. She dared not to venture outside the walls of her office; instead her co-workers took turns walking past her door, checking that she hadn't been consumed by the darkness that her office exuded. She was running on auto pilot and the gear that she was stuck in didn't allow her to let anyone else in. She had no interest in free coffee and even less interest in the perky new girl. The girl was smart though, she would give her that. She stayed away from Amelia. Too bad her co-workers didn't share the same smarts.

As a surgeon it was a given that Amelia liked to cut. She had always been fairly vocal about her kick ass cutting skills; there was no doubt that it was her passion and she was beyond good at it. Her passion thankfully extended to her patients, although at times her opinions clouded the judgement of her empathy. Never the less her patients best interests were her main interest. She made decisions with her head and executed them with her heart, at least the old Amelia did. As she sat in her office listening to the clock tick, it was eerily obvious that she was no longer the surgeon she used to be and that terrified her. Her job and the work she did was the only ounce of normal that she was defensively holding onto.

Her silence was out of character; Amelia barely blamed her co-workers for their curiosity, unfortunately she failed to understand their concern. As much as she fought the emotional roller coaster she was stuck on it was beginning to consumer her. She was losing control. Caught in a day dream, the flash of her famous smile made an appearance. A tiny baby was smiling at his mother. He had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes and big green eyes that sparkled every time anyone passed by him. Those big baby eyes were his weapon and he knew how to use them. One look and you were sucked in. Amelia was sucked in, just for a moment she was pulled out from the big black hole that had become her life. Each time the moments lasted longer and each time she fell back into the black hole a little harder than the time before. Addison was lucky; Henry had beautiful green eyes that sparkled. She couldn't help but wonder if she would ever know what colour eyes her baby would have.

Amelia pulled herself together and put on her game face as she entered the foyer in search of her next distraction, her patient. She was thankful to have avoided a face to face confrontation with Addie. She knew Addison would have been pleasant and Henry would have smiled at her, which was hard enough from a far. But Amelia's defensive side was well and truly in overdrive, she knew her sharp tongue wouldn't have held back. She held her head up high and greeted the young woman in front of her. The sweet, chatty patient had managed to fill Amelia in on her entire life from age 2-present, before they had even made it to her office. At this point Amelia had stopped even pretending to care. She only barely managed to deliver the happy outcome to the bright young girl, partly due to the patients constant chatting. Amelia could tell that this was glass half full kind of girl and she secretly wanted to pull her hair or inflict some kind of petty pain, anything to shut her up. The long walk to the elevator was strangely comforting for Amelia, the consultation was _finally_ over. As she attempted to execute her exit the chatty patient reached out to hug the ready to run Amelia. Her first instinct was to pull away however she settled with a small parting conversation, which was relatively painless. As she offered a finale farewell, smiling as she turned please that she has dodged another bullet, it hit her! Those big green eyes and his mother. Amelia's forced smiled quickly faded and she immediately looked for a way out of the awkward situation she had hoped she'd already avoided. As she backed away and ran to the safety of her office Addison handed her smiling infant to an unimpressed Charlotte and followed Amelia.

Amelia was about as prepared for a fight as she was to see Addison standing at her office door. Nobody understood her feelings; she didn't even understand them herself. Amelia had made quite an effort to avoid Addison and up until now she had impressed even herself with her ability to do so. She knew Addison wouldn't leave without a conversation and Amelia was about 2 seconds away from breaking down. She buried her head in her hands, hoping that Addison would magically disappear. Unfortunately Amelia was a surgeon not a magician and Addison was still standing there. A fight ensured, because Amelia wasn't ready to let Addison in.

Addison took a deep breath as she attempted to execute her opening sentence.

'_Look, I know you don't want to talk to me right now but..'_

Amelia cut her off immediately.

'_You're right, so just leave!'_

It was clear to Addison that Amelia wasn't going to make this easy for her, but that wasn't going to stop her.

'_Amy! I love you, just hear me out and I'll leave okay. I'm worried about you, everybody is. You need a plan, let me help you..'_

Amelia wasn't about to hug and make up, the more Addison spoke the angrier she was getting.

'_Don't you dare come in here telling me what I need! What I need is for you to leave me the hell alone. Do you hear me? Get out!'_

Amelia started to sob, her tears broke Addison's heart but they weren't going to scare her away.

'_I understand that you're upset, you have every right to be…'_

Amelia stiffened, composing herself.

"_NO! You don't understand. You have no idea! My life has turned into a horror show and all I can do is stand back and watch it all play out. My baby has no future! Do you understand that? I'm supposed to be this kick ass surgeon and there isn't a thing I can do to change that.. '_

Addison's heart sunk, as much as Amelia fought it, Addie could see the fear in her eyes as she spoke.

'_Amelia I am so, SO sorry, I.. '_

Amelia couldn't take Addison's puppy dog eyes. They we're almost as piercing as that perfect baby boy of hers.

'_NO! Don't, don't do that. Don't look at me with those eyes! I don't need you're pity or your concern. Every time I look at you I see that healthy baby boy and he smiles and you smile and all of that joy makes me want to SCREAM! I just want to rip that child from your arms and claw your eyes out. I am SO angry at you.. and __**jealous**__ of you, this dream of a life that you finally have. And I wish, I so wish that I could be happy for you, but I can't because I am completely consumed by hate. I hate you Addison and I don't have room for all of that on top of all of the anger and bitterness that is burying me every single day, I have no room for that..'_

Amelia was no longer holding herself together. Her feelings were bursting to come out and her anger was taking over and Addison was in the wrong place at exactly the right time.

'_..I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this. But I know that I can't do it with you around. So I need you to stay the hell away from me! Just go away.. pleaseee, LEAVEEEE..'_

Amelia broke down. She had no control of herself. Addison stood with her pity eyes completely unprepared as Amelia broke.

'_Get out!..'_

Addison had no words. Amelia was screaming at her and by now the rest of the office could hear the vulnerability in Amelia's voice. Amelia had been through a lot in her short life and Addison had seen her at her worst, but this was bigger than any wayward teenager drama from the past. Amelia wasn't a teenager anymore and she wasn't high. Still Addison reacted the same as she had all those years ago; she pulled Amelia close to her heart and held her tight. As she fought back Addison held her tighter until she finally gave up.

'_It's okay, I've got you. Shhh' _

Addison assured the crying doctor as she wept. Amelia's walls were crashing down and even if it was only temporary, for the first time in a while she felt _safe_.


	3. Chapter two: Wide awake dreaming

_**Wide Awake Dreaming.**_

The office was abuzz with staff and patients. Two little boys we're chasing one another around the chairs in the waiting area, the youngest boy giggled a little more each time his older brother got closer and closer to him. An older lady watched on, mesmerized by the cute little brothers. Pete tried tirelessly to explain something to the woman but he couldn't compete with the playing children. Charlotte and Cooper added their squabbling to the busy environment as they stepped off of the elevator. It was clear that Charlotte was winning whatever disagreement they were currently having, as the pretty blonde confidently walked in front of a sheepish Cooper with an accomplished smile written across her face. Amelia sat quietly in the nearby kitchen, her eyes practically drowning in the almost cold cup of coffee that sat before her. Amelia shut out the chaotic atmosphere playing out around her, instead silently blending into the background. The other doctors took comfort in Amelia's less worrying presence around the place. Although it was clear there was still a distance and she was still fighting her feelings, it now _at least _appeared to be a fight that she could win.

'_Hey!'_

Addison broke the silence, addressing the pale brunette.

'_You okay?'_

Stupid question! Addison secretly scolded herself after asking Amelia, who flashed a reassuring smile.

'_Yeah, I'm okay.. .' _Amelia awkwardly paused before recovering the conversation _'Busy day?'_

Addison checked her watch knowingly as she quickly finished off her coffee.

'_Yeah, actually I'm late for the hospital, story of my life. I better run..'_

She joked as she leaned over gently hugging Amelia as she exited. Addison was relieved to have Amelia back in her life, but she was also very conscious of pushing her away again. Their relationship remained somewhat awkward, however for now Addison would take all the small talk she could get. It comforted Amelia knowing that the small talk would keep Addie off of her back at least for a while, so she made the effort to oblige. Although Amelia slowly begun to coexist with her co-workers again, the guilt continued to eat away at her. She had seemingly lowered the walls she had previously put up, but her head was playing mind games with her. Her walls were down but her guard was still very much up.

Although things had changed, Amelia still wasn't ready to completely let Addison in, Jake was her OB and that was the only decision she was completely sure about. She didn't blame Addison for her misfortune, but Addie's involvement in her baby's health made the situation a thousand times harder than it already was. Jake and Amelia we're colleagues, he felt for her and her situation the way the rest of the doctors did. The difference was they didn't have a history; it wasn't as personal as it was with the others. She needed to be strong, people like Addison and Charlotte felt too deeply for her and that got in the way of her holding it together. Most importantly despite Jakes assurance, Amelia blamed herself for her situation. She listened and understood Jake as he reassured her, but deep down she couldn't help but feel guilty. She was too scared to even wonder if the others blamed her too, so she held it all in, smiled and made small talk.

Her feelings confused her, made her angry and terrified her. The words and feelings thrown around during her little confrontation with Addison the week before was only a tiny insight into Amelia's mind and what she was feeling. The rest she kept carefully locked away from everyone, including herself. The days she was a patient in Jakes office were the hardest. These were the days she came closest to unlocking the tornado of feeling she had pent up. As a doctor she was in control, she was confident when she cut, but as a patient she felt helpless.

'_The baby's foetal heart rate is strong, that's good news'_

Sitting up on Jake's _patient_ bed she played with her AA chip. She hadn't been to a meeting in a while, she feared the judgement. A pregnant junkie sitting in the back row didn't appeal to Amelia. For _now _she was handling it. However a concerned Jake wasn't so sure that this was the case.

'_Are you planning a slip?'_

Jake inquired, immediately getting Amelia's attention.

'_My wife use to play with one of those when she was planning a slip'_

Amelia continued to play with the chip.

'_You don't plan a slip, that's why they call it a slip. You just, you fall..'_

Jake was a colleague and her doctor but he was starting to care for the entire practice and Amelia wasn't exempt from those feelings.

'_Sometimes, sometimes you fall. My wife, she used to plan them' _

Afraid of where the conversation was going Amelia played coy with Jake, who right now was morphing into fine looking version of her already concerned friends Addison and Charlotte.

'_I didn't know you had a wife..'_

He may not have had a history with Amelia but he did have one with his dead wife. Amelia had no idea how closely Jake could identify with her addiction.

Jake wasn't playing games. He knew the signs and he knew Amelia's situation.

'_Are you planning a slip?' _

_'What happened with your wife?'_

Amelia continued to play coy

'_Did you get a divorce? I've never heard you talk about her'_

A frustrated Jake put a stop to the back an fourth firmly making his point.

'_Your baby's heart rate is strong right now. Let's keep it that way'_

Amelia looked away and allowed Jake to finish the examination in silence. She wasn't Jake's wife, she didn't plan slips but truth be told deep down inside of her she could feel herself slipping, but where to she didn't know.

Her conversation with Jake played on her mind. She _was_ an addict and right now she was caught in a vicious cycle. The baby growing in her belly was a constant reminder of Ryan, the man she truly loved. But he was dead and her baby was now likely to face the same fate. She wanted to make the pain stop, the way she had when she was with Ryan. Fortunately she had seemingly learned from her mistakes and although she had no problems hurting herself, the bond she felt with her unborn child stopped her from hurting her herself as well as her little ticking time bomb. At least for now she would keep fighting and there would be no slips.

As she lay in her messed up bed she tossed and turned, her mind fighting the urge to sleep. She fought the temptation to give in and get up until she couldn't fight it anymore. She was up and awake! She dragged herself out of bed and in to the kitchen in search of a glass of water. She rubbed her sleepy eyes as she took note of the growing pile of dirty dishes waiting to be stacked into the dishwasher. Making her way to the patio she stood breathing in the fresh, beach air. The night was still and the sunlight was still partially present. A little girl played by the water under the watchful eye of her adoring father. Amelia smiled as the little girl broke into fits of laughter as her father chased after her. Cupping her mug she continued to contently watch them, her stare catching the attention of the cute little girl. Amelia nervously tried to look away, but it was too late the little girl appeared to be running towards her.

'_Mommyyyyy!'_

The little girl squealed, excitedly as her dad run after her.

'Excuse me? No. I'm sorry I was just.. Is that your dad?'

Amelia pointed to the man in the distance. She was startled by the child's presence and the sudden situation; however she now appreciated her mother's constant lecturing about the etiquette of staring.

'_Ahhh..'_

Amelia could barely put a sentence together as the man in the distance got closer. The little girl just giggled at Amelia's incoherent mutter as she perched herself comfortably on the sun lounge beside her. The man waved as Amelia searched his face from far away.

'Hey you! Get back here kiddo'

The tall dark stranger yelled out to the happy little girl who had made herself at home. His voice was eerily familiar and as he got closer Amelia could make out his features. Her heart completely stopped as he smiled at her, it was Ryan.

'_Hey babe!´_ He kissed a shocked Amelia _'How'd you sleep? I tried to keep the little rug rat out here as long as I could'_

It was Ryan. His kiss felt the same and her heart felt the same. The little girl looked at home because she was at home; she had the same piercing blue eyes as her mother, Amelia. As the little girl jumped up from her cosy position like a little jack in the box, Amelia remained frozen. This didn't faze the child as she reached out to her mother wrapping her tiny arms around her waist, hugging her tightly. Ryan smiled, drying himself off with a nearby towel.

'_I love you Mama'_

The little girl declared as she nestled her tiny, perfect head into Amelia's stomach. Amelia found the strength to touch the little girl. Her hair was soft and her skin was warm. Her eyes we're her mothers and her nose her fathers. Her tiny little dimples completed the package, she was perfect. Amelia smiled down at the loving little girl and in that moment she had no words that would even come close to describing the love she felt.

'_I love you, too'_

Amelia mumbled, waking herself up. She caught her breath and sat up, jumping out of bed she rushed to the patio. The dishes were still stacked up and the night was still, with the sunlight partially present. But her little girl and Ryan were gone. She couldn't hold it in anymore, she lovingly held her stomach as she began to cry. Her tears streamed down her face as she crumbled to the floor, mourning the man she once had and the life she would never have. She could lie to Jake but she could no longer lie to herself, she was starting to _slip._


	4. Chapter three: Like a wave

_****__Hey! Sorry it's been so long. After watching the season final I decided that I should finish my story. I know that this storyline has already played out but this is my take on Amelia's story. Sorry in advance for my rushed writing. I hope it makes sense. The chapters has been very feelings orientated, the next few will hopefully tell more of the story. Oh gosh, thats enough from me! x_

_**Like a wave.**_

As the waves crashed into one another repeatedly, the sound was oddly comforting to Amelia who sat quietly pondering her next move. The waves soared up, high into the sky and came crashing down quicker than the blink of an eye. Amelia couldn't help but identify with that motion, perhaps her life was much like a wave in that she was either high or crashing down. Although a touch melodramatic, Amelia could hardly remember what it felt like when life had been normal. She had never been one of normalcy, she often spoke her mind, had no desire to fit in and was far from dull and boring. As a teenager her rebelious antics had earned her the nickname 'Hurricane Amelia' a fitting persona that even Amelia agreed with. As she pondered her current situation, she couldn't help but yearn for the high in the crazy repetitive cycle that was her life.

The dark place that Amelia had called home over the past few month was sadly only getting darker. Amelia was well aware that others had dealt with the same fate she had been cruelly handed. She wasn't the first person to experience heartbreak, pain or loss and she certainly wouldn't be the last. Despite all of this Amelia still couldn't help but feel completely alone and afraid. She feared the future, she missed the past and she continued to be tortured by the present. She wanted out.

Venturing off of the beach front patio Amelia walked towards the waves, images of the sweet little girl she had dreamt about the day before danced in her head. The preview of what could have been had pulled her away from the light and even further into the darkness. The crashing waves continued to sooth her tired soul. Resting on the slightly chilled sand she reached into her jacket pocket almost hesiitating before pulling out a small neatly folded bag. Toying with the bag for a moment, she gently twirled the lolly like pills in her palm. She could feel her heart skip a beat as the adrenaline kicked in. She loved the rush before a high, she was ready to slip. Gazing into the setting sun she found herself reminiscing. Her heavy heart was toying with her will power, much the same as it had almost a decade ago.

It was only now that Amelia was beginning to understand how her poor mother must have felt all of those years ago at the site of an unresponsive teenage Amelia sprawled across her bedroom floor. Much like the present Amelia was in a deep dark place all those years ago. Things were unraveling in an impressive downward spiral that she couldn't escape. Finally she'd fallen too far and that was it. A crashed car, broken relationships and a lifeless teen ended the cycle of Hurricane Amelia.

Although she wouldn't admit it, she'd been lucky all of those years ago. True she had lost her way and almost her life, but she had someone to bring her back to life figuratively speaking and literally. Her brother, Derek. Derek had always been her knight in shining armour. Amelia was tough and hated to admit that she needed protecting, but she was thankful that Derek had been there to catch her all of those years ago. As she continued to contemplate the tiny pills in her hand, she felt just like she had all those years ago, a scared and alone 17 year old little girl. The only difference this time was, she didn't want to be saved, or at least thats what she told herself.

As she wiped away tears, her heart hurting with each thought she made a decision and like that the pills were _gone.. _


End file.
